This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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