I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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