I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
