I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Less talking, more tequila
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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