I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I will pee on everything he values.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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