WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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