I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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