I haven't been this sober since birth.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
