Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
