he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
