Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
