You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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