How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
