I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
