My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
