and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
