His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
