i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize