I accidentally had phone sex last night
handjob tips. give me some.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
