someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
