I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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