doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
