I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
