Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
