You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
