my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
