This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
