I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
