That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
