you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize