I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Randomize
