I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
