I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
