his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
