It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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