Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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