My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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