My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize