I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
