her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize