When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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