i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
