I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
