I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
