Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
