there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
