Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My hand turned me down
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
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