just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
