I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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