Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
