I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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