OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
