Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I need to sanitize my soul.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
