he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i wish my penis had a tongue
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
