she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
