Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
