You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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