You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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