I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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