...so i touched it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
