it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
