i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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